Episode 84: E3 2013 feat. Sonic R

That special time of year, bursting with excitement and merriment, has finally arrived once more, and it’s not Christmas nor Bryan playing Scrolls. E3 is the topic this week, along with the bountiful bevy of video games shown at its many conferences and pseudo-conferences. Although the lack of Cameron means an unfortunate dearth in hyperbolic statements, the rest of the DV Cast do their best to recap all their surging emotions on the newsiest episode of Disembodied Voices you’ll find all year. Zachary nearly chokes on his own derision when the concept of free-to-play Killer Instinct appears, Bryan makes a lot of super funny puns, and Stephen reveals that his favorite person in the world is Charles Martinet. Other stuff happens, too.

Opening song: Electrolytic Man, originally from Mega Man and ReMixed by MaJIN_SaN, ambient, and tomatsu.

Ending song: Mario Ascends to the Clouds, originally from Super Mario Land and ReMixed by Argle.

Episode 83: The Crossing of the Animals

The number of podcasters this week matches the number of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, which makes for a heartwarming reunion that warms the heart. Animal Crossing: New Leaf is the centerpiece of the discussion, including a live demonstration of Stephen and Cameron meeting up in-game to trade fruits and run around in circles spamming incoherent letters into the chat window. Mr. Resetti almost shows up and things get downright crazy when Cameron buys a new skirt, but Bryan is unable to join the shenanigans without a copy of his own.  Zachary, however, can’t be bother with the silly animal friendship simulator whatsoever, opting instead for another visual novels of anime descent. Scrolls and the Xbox One are also discussed, but since this episode was recorded before E3 2013, nobody knows about the Wii Fit trainer appearing in Super Smash Bros. Otherwise that would have been the centerpiece.

Opening song: Electrolytic Man, originally from Mega Man and ReMixed by MaJIN_SaN, ambient, and tomatsu.

Ending song: Enjoying the Rain, originally from Animal Crossing and ReMixed by Salluz.

Episode 82: Deep Dish Podcast

This episode of Disembodied Voices is, as they used to say in the olden times of your ancestor’s ancestors, a doozy. Stephen begins the show with a confusing time travel gag, which almost immediately loses him the hosting seat. Thank the gods of artful podcastery that Bryan leads his noble band into more intelligent territory, including dating sims and Noid. Speaking of the former, Zachary has essentially given his life for a visual novel whose title he declines to impart, leading nicely into Stephen’s xenophobic diatribe on people and the silly relationships they have. All of this relates to Liberation Maiden and Binary Domain, both of which Stephen has been enjoying over the weekend. His brother has been rather American about the whole affair– opting for Knights of the Old Republic and a small chunk of Anarchy Online– just to increase the cultural confusion. It’s a pretty dumb episode, folks.

Opening song: Electrolytic Man, originally from Mega Man and ReMixed by MaJIN_SaN, ambient, and tomatsu.

Ending song: OverClocked Spot, originally from Cool Spot and ReMixed by Big Giant Circles.

Episode 81: The Lumberjack Slam

With Zachary out the picture, this week’s episode of Disembodied Voices becomes a landslide of anti-Metal-Gear-Solid-3 propaganda, complete with critical analysis (emphasis on the “critical”) of its many weirdo bosses, missed opportunities, and that one ladder scene. Speaking of being down on things, the Xbox One fails to capture the interest of anyone in the virtual room, unlike the captivating subject of breakfast at Denny’s. Thankfully the gears are shifted into positive mode for Luigi’s Mansion: Dark Moon, despite shaky pacing thanks to the unacceptably impatient Professor E. Gadd. Speaking of people with near-maniacal obsession to overly complicated hobbies, speedrunners and the speedruns they speedrun are discussed with due respect, concluding with the decision that Cameron will speedrun Resident Evil 4 while Stephen and Bryan speedrun nothing. You really should stick around to the very end. You don’t want to miss that Denny’s bit, do you?

Opening song: Electrolytic Man, originally from Mega Man and ReMixed by MaJIN_SaN, ambient, and tomatsu.

Ending song: Thunderstruck, originally from Ocarina of Time and ReMixed by Big Giant Circles and some1namedjeff.

Episode 80: Episode Russia

If you are of Russian descent and have a penchant for video game podcasts, Disembodied Voices will delight and maybe offend you in spades. Not only has Zachary forgone his old hat American accent for something far more majestic, but he talks extensively about Metro: Last Light, wherein his true kinsmen reside. Without straying far from the same country, Metal Gear Solid 3 is put in the uncomfortable place of being simultaneously scorned and praised I have stolen this wordpress post this is Cameron and Stephen will never control my brain for its unconventional unconventionality, emphasized with Bryan’s boastful claim of ruthlessly chasing down an old man with a shotgun. That leads neatly into Stephen’s new segment, Metal Gear Mad Libs, which immediately goes very wrong. Listening to Disembodied Voices Episode 80, however, is very right, and is a thing you should do!

Opening song: Electrolytic Man, originally from Mega Man and remixed by MaJIN_SaN, ambient, and tomatsu.

Ending song: Snake’s Revenge, originally from Metal Gear and remixed by Musicalman.

Why Did I Agree To Do This? A Star Wars The Clone Wars Republic Heroes Review

Those who listen to the podcast may have heard that my birthday was on May 4. As such, the ever oh so generous Cameron wanted to get me a gift. That gift was Star Wars The Clone Wars Republic Heroes for the PC.

And that’s why we’re all here today.

Star Wars The Clone Wars Republic Heroes (try saying that five times fast) is a co-op action/platforming title developed by Krome Studios. Krome isn’t exactly a well respected developer, but they are one of the only few independent studios doing work for major publishers in Australia – so points for them I guess. That’s where the points stop though.

Krome Studios used to not be bad. They developed Ty the Tasmanian Tiger – a game that I never played, but fans swear up and down that it’s one of the best platformers of the PS2/Xbox/Gamecube era. I’m gonna take their word for it because it’s all I have. Anyway, their real trouble started in 2007 when Microsoft contracted them to make Viva Pinata: Party Animals. After that, LucasArts turned them into a Star Wars workhorse.

Now, enough about Krome. Let’s get on with the game, shall we?

Star Wars The Clone Wars Republic Heroes is best described as LEGO Star Wars without the LEGO. Now, that’s not inherently a bad thing. Sure the LEGO games get by with their derivative gameplay by having buckets of charm, but surely Republic Heroes has at least a single bucket of charm in it, right? Right? Maybe a cup of charm? How about a droplet? No?

OK, look, Republic Heroes apes the style of The Clone Wars TV series. No, not that awesome Genndy Tartakovsky series. The crappy one where George Lucas threw Genndy’s work into a computer and just expected it to work. It’s much the same filmmaking style he applied to the prequels and we all know how those worked out.

Anyway, the game obviously can’t look anywhere near as clean as the TV series, and that’s even with forced MSAA. All the characters look absolutely lifeless, and some are best described as nightmare muppets. No seriously, take a look at Yoda:

Nightmare Muppets

Now, I don’t believe in absolute zero badness. There’s always a redeeming factor and Republic Heroes’ visuals do have one thing going for it. The outer space shots with the planets in the background look absolutely marvelous.

Pretty Planet

Unfortunately, the environments on the planets look like somebody took the airbrush, cracked it open and just let whatever came out of it to flow all over the canvas. In other words, it’s a mess.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. Benevolent Zach, I care not these “graphics.” I only want to hear about the gameplay. Well, I was really hoping you would stop reading by now so I wouldn’t have to get into that. But since you insist…

Remember how I said that Republic Heroes was like the LEGO games minus the LEGO? Yeah, that applies to the gameplay as well. The characters can jump, swing a lightsaber and throw the force around like a belligerent drunk throws around insults in an alley at midnight. That is to say – it’s completely ineffective and doesn’t hurt anyone.

So, you ask, the combat is bad? I wouldn’t classify it as bad. It definitely works when it wants to. I just often found myself hitting the X button next to enemies hoping to slice them in two, but only finding Anakin or Obi-Wan swinging their lightsabers at thin air in the opposite direction. This is especially annoying during boss fights where there’s only one target, but these “Jedi” seem content to swing their lightsabers at anything but the gelatinous ooze monster that’s threatening to blow up the galaxy.

Speaking of boss fights, the game lacks variety. Players are forced to fight the aforementioned gelatinous ooze monster three times throughout the game. The pattern of attack only ever changes during the final boss fight, and even then, the only difference is that you’re now balancing on floating platforms while fighting.

Now that may seem hard, but trust me, it’s not. In fact, Republic Heroes is insultingly easy. Sure, you can’t die, just like in the LEGO games, but those games never feel condescending. Republic Heroes makes you feel stupid for trying too hard. For example, the very first boss fight in the game requires players to force hold a robotic leg down and then climb up said leg to slash out an eye. Now, that sounds incredibly simple, but the solution to this boss fight was frustratingly ambiguous. It didn’t help that the nightmare muppet version of Yoda kept on appearing to tell me that I was doing it wrong, but never actually explaining how I was doing it wrong. In the end, it only helped me to understand Luke’s frustration with the little green guy on Dagobah.

After all this, you might be thinking – “Great and powerful Zach, is there anything you enjoyed in this game?” Actually, yes! I thoroughly enjoyed any of the levels that allowed me to play as one of the Clone Troopers. It was an excellent change of pace from the Jedi levels, and the levels themselves were actually fun. Of course, this comes from my adoration of twin stick arcade shooters, and the Clone Trooper levels deliver that kind of arcade action in spades.

Beyond that, however, there’s little in this game that I liked. The Jedi gameplay is dull, the boss fights are terrible, the environments are bland, and the game just kind of ends with no closure whatsoever.

That being said, there is one thing about this game that is truly phenomenal – Anakin Skywalker wearing an abnormally large Indiana Jones-style fedora:

Anakin Hat

Episode 79: May the Force Be With Luuke

Star Wars The Clone Wars: Republic Heroes. Yoda’s Stories. Star Wars Galaxies. Salacious Crumb: Nighttime Assassin. If you’ve no stomach for weird and/or bad Star Wars games, you might want to reach for the Alka-Seltzer because that topic dominates this episode of Disembodied Voices like a too-vigorous dose of jalapeno. Cameron’s out of the picture, but everyone else is pretending to be friends in the most pleasant of ways: Zachary takes one for the team by promising to review a particularly poor game gifted by the anti-generous Cameron, Stephen wants to talk about Balloon Fight (apparently?), and Bryan is acquiring Money & Castles in Mount & Blade. Light on content and heavy on silliness, everyone is pretty much hoping you’ll listen to the end purely for Shadow of the Colossus.

Opening song: Electrolytic Man, originally from Mega Man and remixed by MaJIN_SaN, ambient, and tomatsu.

Ending song: Wanderer on the Offensive, originally from Shadow of the Colossus and remixed by B33J, Cerrax, Sixto Sounds, and nonsensicalexis.